"Your Misery, Then Mine" A short story by Katlynn Chrans // trigger warning

Your Misery, Then Mine;

By Katlynn Chrans

            I am going to tell you the story of a boy. I am also going to tell you a story of why we shouldn’t judge people when we don’t know their circumstances. Please listen from a place in your heart.

As the anniversary of my uncle’s death closes near I have decided to come back to the topic of suicide, however, this time I will be writing from the outside. I have seen a post about the story of a boy who runs home from the bus every day, it is only short, but very beautiful and sad. So..I have decided to elaborate, give the boy a name, and a story. I have no clue if it was a fictional or true post, but the message is still received. I hope you enjoy.

            We sat, impatient and desperately trying to hold our laughter back, as the bus slowed to a stop he sprang from the edge of his seat, just like he always did. Oh, how he flew down the path, we all laughed and laughed, until our sides hurt, and tears sprung in our eyes. Every school day this happened, repeatedly. Like many we were blind to the situation, until one day we weren’t.

   “Why do you think he always uses the reception phone at break and lunch?” I asked Jared.

I gazed through the widow, there Daniel sat, just like every over day, turned away from the peering eyes of staff, whispering into the phone

   “He’s just a freak” Jared replied biting into his cheese sandwich, I turned back towards him and laughed.

   “Yeah you’re right” I agreed returning to my own lunch.

A few days later

The teacher had left the room to grab our worksheets on this particular day, as we sat being rambunctious children, taking advantage of this opportunity to talk and play, others found the opportunity to confront Daniel about his abnormal activities of the day.

   “Hey, you” called Logan, the notorious bully of East Creak middle school. No one wanted to have Logan’s attention, be on his radar. If so a whole world of pain would be introduced to yourself, or what we thought was pain, the thing is, the only person who had really felt pain…was Daniel, but more of that later.

   “Why you running for? Do you not like us? Are we not cool enough for you” Logan taunted, a couple of the girls snickered, and everyone began whispering, was it true? Who knew Daniel barely spoke anyways.

   “Or are you just scared?” Logan teased, and then the whole class erupted in laughter, boys scrunched up paper and threw them at Daniel’s head.

The truth was, Daniel wasn’t scared, at least not about us, we were nothing compared to the true terror factor of his life, we were simply too insignificant to care about, and so, he didn’t.

   “Okay everyone quiet down, here are your homework worksheets, they’re due in next week. Make sure you don’t forget” Miss Sarah said as she walked back into the class, instantly Daniel’s torment ceased.

One week later

   “Tom look it’s Daniel! Look everyone Daniel’s back he’s back!” yelled Jared from beside me, forcefully shoving my shoulder I led my focus to the boy standing at the bus stop. We hadn’t seen Daniel since last Monday. He didn’t look so good today, dark bags laid under his eyes, which were puffy and red. His hair was dishevelled, and his gaze was far away. There wasn’t a sound as Daniel slowly climbed the steps to the buss. He looked even worse up close, whispers sang throughout the space.

   “What happened?”

   “Why does he look like that?”

   “Has he been crying?”

   The questions remained unanswered.

   Later that day we again all waited, laughter spilling from our every being, smiles already plastered on our smug faces as Daniel sat. However, it was different this time, he seemed tired, not on edge. The bus slowed to a halt. Daniel stood…slowly. He made his down the stairs and onto the pavement, and then he walked, almost dragging himself down the path. The bus was silent, just like this morning. Even the bus driver seemed to be shocked, as he sat and watched, as we all did.

I am not going to elaborate on what happened next as it is quite simple. We were all ignorant, including myself. Unknowing Daniel’s circumstances we judged and ridiculed him, when we should have been helping him, talking to him. Instead we hurt him more, because you see, Daniel used the school phone every day to talk to his sister. Comfort her and make sure she was okay. And he ran home from the bus every day to make sure she hadn’t killed herself while he was at school.

The day Daniel walked home from the bus would forever change the way I treated people.

One Month Later

            “Tom are you coming to the movie night Logan invited us to? It will be our only chance to get on his good side.” Jared asked me during class, though truthfully, I wasn’t paying attention to either. I was watching Daniel, he barely did his work anymore, and of course none of the teachers dare made him. Daniel didn’t look much better than the day he came back, if anything he looked worse, he was pale and still had his dark eye bags. I had been wanting to talk to him, to see if he was okay, but he left class so quickly it was hard to find him.

   When the bell rang I abandoned my stuff and stopped Daniel before he left the room.

   “Hey Daniel, wait, I just wanted to ask how you’re doing? Are you okay?” I said quietly.

   “Oh. Why wouldn’t I be? It isn’t like I’m not used to being hurt right? Like you didn’t all laugh at me every day, tease me? No of course not, you guys were my best friends.” he said before storming from the room. I stood in my place, quite surprised, but how could I be mad? After all Daniel was right.

Two Years Later

            “Jared you ass shut up” I said, “It’s not funny, I think it’s important” I added quietly. I looked down at my fidgeting hands and sighed. I just wanted to help people, and I was trying my hardest.

   “I think it’s cute, I’m just teasing you” he replied grasping my hand, “And I also think it’s very important, and I love you even more for it” he said placing a gentle kiss on my cheek.

   As you can see a lot has changed since our years of middle school, especially me and Jared, everyone accepted us, especially our families, we were one of those lucky situations I guess.

Another big thing that had changed was Daniel, he…he was still struggling. He was often tired, always quiet and by himself. That’s why I opened my organization or, at least I was trying too. To help the family and friends of suicide victims. My reason? Well, I watched first hand as Daniel deteriorated right in front of my eyes. It was scary and heart breaking, I was worried that he would follow in his sister’s footsteps, and that’s the last thing I wanted, not that it was my choice.

After school that day I made my way to my car when I saw Daniel, he was sat on the small stone ledge outside the gym, he looked like he was violently clicking away at the buttons on his phone. I looked around and made my way over to him.

   “Hey Daniel, you alright?” I asked sitting beside him. He looked empty, emotionless.

   “Yeah, yeah my phone di-…my phone is out of charge and I can’t call my mom to pick me up” he sighed knotting his hands together tightly, I could tell he felt uncomfortable but I wasn’t going to let him walk home, his house was miles away since they moved.

   “I can give you a ride home, it’s no problem” I asked. He glanced sideways at me, trying to figure out if my offer was genuine or not. “Never mind you don’t actually have a choice, come on” I laughed standing and gently reaching for Daniel’s hand. It all happened so fast, I didn’t even think about what I was doing. Daniel’s shirt sleeve rose slightly exposing angry dark red cuts, I gasped.

I looked at Daniel whose eyes widened with fear, his hand swiftly moved from my grasp as he tugged his sleeve back down to his hand.

   “Just leave me alone, okay?” Daniel yelled before storming off.

There I stood, alone in the parking lot, taken aback by the events which had just unfolded. I knew Daniel was still devastated by the loss of his sister, but I had no idea how much he had been affected.

Once I came to my senses I looked around me, but he was no where to be seen. I ran to my car and quickly pulled out of the lot. I drove down the road towards Daniel’s house. I was just in time to see him duck into a heavily wooded area.

I felt the chilled air immerse my body with goose bumps as I quietly trailed behind the figure, the smell of soil and pine danced around me. I halted as Daniel turned and scanned the area, once he was satisfied he dropped his bag to the ground and rustled inside of it. I watched as the boy I grew up with pull a pistol out. A sharp intake of breath escaped my lips. Slowly and with shaking hands Daniel raised the pistol to his temple.

   “NO” I screamed running out from behind the thick tree trunk which had obscured me. With tears streaming from my eyes I tackled Daniel, shoving the pistol away and out of his hands I trapped his body underneath mine.

   “Are you stupid!” I yelled from atop him, tears began to spring from his green eyes.

   “Stop get off of me!” he grunted. He pushed and shoved, but I was much stronger and much more determined than he was.

   “No sto- stop struggling. STOP!” I demanded. He went still, his body, tired and weak, giving out. “Daniel you don’t want to do this, please think about this, your family.” I added quietly. His eyes peered into mine, tired and helpless he knew he was making a mistake.

   “You don’t know what I want, what it feels like to be me” he cried letting his tears flow down. “She’s gone and she’s never coming back, my mom barely leaves her bed anymore and my dad acts like he never even had a daughter” he snapped. I watched as this boy fell apart, finally letting someone in.

I stood slowly, taking his hand and helping him to his feet before wrapping him in my arms.

   “I’m not going to pretend I know what you’re going through or how you feel” I stuttered. I felt his body shake with sobs and I made small circles with my finger on his back. “But I do know you don’t want to do this, I also know that Lily wouldn’t have wanted this for you” I added slowly.

There we stood, two people, one with an empty heart, and another with one so full he would help the other grow and love.

Six months later

“What was the food like?” I asked Daniel as we wandered slowly through the stone museum. Jared waited for us back at the car, he told me this was something Daniel and I should do together.

   “Six months away at rehab and that’s what you ask me? Daniel laughs twirling the sun coloured flower in his hand, very aptly named.

   “Well I mean I didn’t want to go straight in” I joked back. It was the first time in years that I had seen a smile on Daniel’s face, I mean a full goofy smile, teeth and everything.

We slowed to a stop as we faced the girl.

‘Lily Mae Hoss “A sunflower among a sea of grey”’ read the engraved stone. Daniel crouched to the ground, gently placing the sunflower against her grave stone.

   “You know, before…before she got bad, she was kind of like you. Always wanting to help people and she was funny too” he said as a few tears rolled down his face, and still with a smile on his lips. “She would have loved you Tom, and Jared too. You guys are the friends she always wanted for me” he added wiping his hand across his face, catching the stray tears. I peered at the beautiful inking covering his wrists, a tribute to her, he had them done about a month ago, he was so happy that day. “Kind people she always told me, they’re the keepers”.

So, there we stood, remembering the happy times of a girl who was so sad.

I dedicate this to you Uncle Joe, we all miss you, I know you are happy now. I love you.

If you are feeling suicidal or need anyone to talk to when things get tough here are a few hotlines.

UK

Samaritans operates a 24/7 hotline 365 days a year, they are also hidden on phone records to keep you affairs private.

-        116 123

USA

Suicide Prevention Line also a 24/7 hotline 365 days a year

-        1-800-273-8255