Regrets and Not Regrets;
By Katlynn Chrans
The millisecond it took for my foot
to leave the platform of the bridge was the millisecond I realized I didn’t
want to fall.
August 2017
I woke up to the sun shining
through my closed eyes, birds chirping outside the thin glass window that
bordered the willow tree on the back of our small house. Today was the day, I
was finally a senior, and I would finally be treated like a mature young adult.
“Olivia, sweetheart, are you
awake?” my moms melodic voice carrying down the hallway called to me,
“Yes” I called back, opening my
eyes I swung my legs onto the floor, my feet shocked by the cold wood. I opened
my side table drawer and grabbed a pair of new socks, to celebrate the
occasion, slipping them on I rose from my bed. As I stood in front of my mirror
I quickly tied my hair into a bun and wiped the sleep from my eyes.
“Honey I have your breakfast, it’s
your favourite” she calls from the kitchen.
Bounding down the photo lined
hallway I watch as my young self grows into a happy and excited toddler, and
from that to a school focused teen through the frames.
“Good morning mom” I said popping a
strawberry from a bowl of various fruits into my mouth.
“Good morning sweetie” she says
turning around with two plates filled with waffles and whipped cream, “Are you
excited, it’s the big day” she asks.
“I’m nervous, but yes I’m more
excited than ever, I can’t wait to see Mrs. Walter” I say cutting into my
delicious five star breakfast, mom always made the same breakfast every first
day of school.
“I bet you she misses your help in
the library” she says smiling at me with a mouthful. “Well you better get going
before you’re late… on the first day” she says laughing and stealing a
blueberry from my plate.
I squeeze the strap of my backpack
as I watch my peers filter through the small door, I inhale deeply and smile at
my mom before opening the car door and stepping into the world if teenage
anarchy.
“Olivia, hey, how are you?” Cassie
Brown asks me, a girl I hadn’t talked to since the 4th grade
before she became interested by the likes of boys and popularity and I tipped
towards the academics and reading side of the scale.
“Hey Cassie, I, uh, I’m good
thanks” I say smiling and giving a small wave before ducking past and heading
straight for the office to get my class schedule.
“Did you hear what she did last
year?”
“Yeah, can you believe she actually
came back?”
“There’s really no point, how is
she going to catch up? Didn’t she miss like half of sophomore year?”
I hear how they whisper about me, I
never reply.
“Hi, I’m Olivia Caine, I’m here for
my class schedule” I say tapping my fingers across the desk and crossing one
leg over the other while I wait. I watch as the receptionist asks the file
keeper for my schedule, and even when I thought I could escape in the company
of adults, I watch as she is surprised to hear my name, and looks in my
direction.
“Here you go Olivia, we’re happy to
see you returning to school” she says smiling, but I see it doesn’t reach her
eyes; she pities me, like everyone else does.
I have a spare ten minutes before
first period English lit, so I decide to stop by the library and see Mrs.
Walter, I open the old wooden double doors and quietly roam the shelves until I
find her in the historic section.
“Hi miss” I say pushing the strap
of my backpack farther up onto my shoulder.
“Olivia! It’s so good to see you,
are you back at school?” she asks tucking a book under her arm and smiling to
me, a genuine smile.
“I’m good thank you, and yes I’m
finally back” I reassure her, one thing I was looking forward to when I came
back to school was being able to sit in the library during my free period and
slip away for an hour into whatever book was occupying my time.
“Well it’s fantastic to see you
around here again” she replies setting the book onto the shelf and returning to
the cart full of more.
After the bell I make my way
grudgingly to first period and prepare myself for the looks, and the
reintroductions by the teachers, the whispers and the ‘so glad to see you’s.
When I arrive to class I steal a seat right at the back , trying to go as
unnoticed as I possibly could.
“Olivia, it’s so good to see you
back” are the first words out of Mr. Porter’s mouth after fourth period biology
when he sees me, thankfully it wasn’t until the end of the class, I smile in
recognition before heading to the designated seating areas for lunch. I walk in
the large room, filled to the brim with stereotypical high school students: The
Populars, The Jocks, and The Athletes etc. etc. As I weave between the tables I
hear them talking about me, I see how they look at me in pity, or with
curiosity. I sit down to an empty table and pull out my homemade lunch, I want
to cry, but I won’t let myself. I am so much stronger than I was, and I knew I couldn’t
let them get to me, taking a deep breath I opened my plastic container and
began to eat, by myself.
“Is anyone sitting here?” asked a
low voice, my head shot up mid bite into a sandwich, lettuce trailing from my
mouth, and quickly I chewed,
“No, it’s free” I replied moving my
things more towards myself.
“I’m Augustus” he said taking his
own packed lunch from a light grey backpack.
“Olivia Caine” I reply nervously, opening
a chocolate chip cookie.
“I’m new, just moved from Norfolk , Virginia
“Oh, I recently just returned to
school” I reply closing my lunch and slipping it back into my bag. The bell
rings echoing across the lunch hall, “I’ve got a free period now, I guess ill
see you around” I say picking my things up and heading for the library.
It’s quiet here, it’s rarely used
anymore, and most of the seniors leave during their free period. Heading
straight for the small reading nook me and Mrs. Walter made at the beginning of
my junior year. Sitting in the tall armchair I unzip my backpack pulling out
‘All The Bright Places’ by Jennifer Niven, I am halfway through the book, and I
have fallen in love with the plot and characters, I have since added it to my
favourite books list, for future re-reading.
“Hey, you again” I look up and see
Augustus,
“Oh, uh, hi, what are you doing
here” I ask politely bookmarking my place.
“I have a free period too, I just
didn’t want it to seem like I was completely lost, so I didn’t bother to tell
you about it” he jokes.
I smile setting my book to the
side, “So, do you read?” I ask.
“Yeah, I guess you could say that”
he replies pulling out ‘A Midsummer Night’s Dream’
“Oh wow, a Shakespearean fan” I say
raising my eyebrows and setting my book to the side.
“The original ideas of love
stories, all from one great man with a quill pen and a pot of ink” he says
laughing and sitting across from me in a large, old, beanbag chair.
“That is so not true, modern love
would still be alive whether Shakespeare wrote a love tragedy or not” I counter
crossing my arms and leaning forward.
“Yeah, but without the old tales of
love, there would be no cement to the ideas of love nowadays, admit it
Shakespeare’s plays are the foundation of modern love” Augustus argues.
“You know it’s kind of difficult to
take you serious as you’re slowing sinking into that bag” I reply, trying to
keep a straight face, and failing.
“You’re relentless” he says smiling
at me. I like his smile, it’s real and genuine like Mrs. Walters, and he treats
me like something more than what I did. “So Olivia Caine, what do you like to
do for fun?”
I smile and grab my book to my
chest, “I guess I just read…and I write, sometimes” I reply realizing I
probably sound really boring.
“Well not only am I an avid
Shakespeare reader, but a lover of ice cream too” he says.
“I wouldn’t have gues-“
“Will you get some with me
sometime?” he interrupts nervously.
I smile and look down at my book in
my lap, “I would love to” I reply happily. People always talk about the
butterfly feeling you get in your stomach when you’re nervous and excited all
at the same time, and I think I finally understood them. “When?” I ask.
Without hesitation he replies,
“Now”.
I was never someone to skip school
or be involved in a spontaneous act, but I felt like if I was going to grow and
find myself maybe I should start taking risks, even if they were small risks,
put myself out there, find the new Olivia Caine.
“I would love to” I reply finally.
Quickly we both pack our bags,
planning to make our stealthy get away in between classes during the hallway
chaos.
“Shall we” Augustus asks standing
and holding his hand out for me like it was straight out of The Great Gatsby, I
was Daisy and he was Jay.
Taking his hand we laugh weaving
between classmates until we reach the large double doors we push.
“There is no way you did that,
you’re bluffing” I laugh enjoying my triple chocolate Ice cream cone.
“I swear I did, they had be running
for miles, but oh it was so worth it, the look on the old mans face was
priceless, he never saw it coming” he says catching the drip of mint ice cream
falling from the side of his cone.
We sit in silence for awhile,
comfortable silence.
October 2016
I watch the tears roll down my
face, like black rivers of sorrow, I don’t wipe them away anymore, there’s no
point they never stop. Day after day I cry and I hide behind smiles and laughs.
It’s so quiet in the house, and so loud in my head. I hear the wind outside; it
sounds like a song of whispers, ‘get over yourself Olivia’, ‘You have nothing
to cry over Olivia’, ‘No one even notices Olivia’. I hear the rain hit the
pavement; it reminds me of the sleepless nights filled with tears, quiet and
violent tears alike. The truth is, the wind is right, I do have nothing to cry
over, I don’t know why I’m sad, why I feel the way I do, it just happened.
Standing I walk to my bed and curl into a ball; I shake uncontrollably and weep
to myself. All I want is to be happy, but I feel like I’m falling down a black
hole, and when I finally reach the bottom, another one appears and I just keep
falling and falling and I don’t know what to do. I told the counsellor at
school, she asked me why I was feeling this way, and when I had no answer for
her she told me it was temporary, stress even, caused by the oncoming school
year and growing up. I told her and she had nothing.
November 2017
“Honey you’re going to be late” my
mom says peeping around the door.
I finish putting in my other
earring and step back, looking at myself in the mirror.
“You look beautiful” she says
smiling at me. I watch my reflection, the way my eyelashes flutter when I
blink, the way my burgundy red dress hugs my waist and compliments my auburn
curly hair, the way the small gold bracelet my father gave me matched perfectly
with the small heart around my neck, a gift from Augustus. I see all of this,
and I see how she is right, I do look beautiful. A knock comes from the other
room,
“I’ll go get it, put your shoes on
sweetie” my mom says disappearing into the other room. I grab the black chunky
heeled shoes from the floor and slip them on; buckling the ankle strap I listen
to Augustus and my mom hug and speak about when I need to be home. I rise from
the bed and catch my reflection one last time; smiling to myself I walk through
the hallway and into the front room.
“Wow” is all Augustus can mutter
when he sees me; I smile and shy away,
“This is for you” he says taking my
wrist he slips a rose corsage onto my wrist and kisses my cheek gently.
“Come on you two, smile for a
picture” mom says grabbing her phone off the glass table. Augustus respectfully
holds my waist; I turn and smile to the camera.
“Go on, before you two are late”
she says rushing us to the door,
“Send me the photo” I yell back
before the door is shut.
We walk to Augustus’s car; he opens
the door for me before walking around briskly and stepping in himself.
“You look truly gorgeous” he says
looking into my eyes when he sits down. “I am so lucky” he says almost to
himself, before turning the key in the ignition.
My phone buzzes and I see a text
from mom, the photo. I get that butterfly feeling when I see it, as I smile
into the camera Augustus is staring at me, it’s like one of those photos you
read about in books, or movie scenes you watch, I smile to myself and slip my
phone into my small bag.
“What are you smiling about”
Augustus asks clutching my hand beside him.
“Oh nothing” I reply watching the
trees and houses rush by outside the window.
We arrive at the winter formal,
holding hands, we step into the lively room; voices carry across the room about
after parties and booze. Augustus squeezes my hand as we walk and find a small
table,
“Do you want something to drink” he
asks pulling my chair out for me.
“Yes please” I reply setting my
clutch on the table.
I watch some of the other girls
look at me whisper, I know that they aren’t being rude, but it makes me feel
uncomfortable, like I can’t escape, but I guess this is what I expected coming
back to the same school. I watch as everyone dances, jumping up and down and
laughing with their friends.
“Here you go” Augustus hands me a
glass filled with red liquid, I take it gently and set it to the side.
“I want to dance” I say giving him
a smile and grabbing his hand I drag him to the crowded dance floor.
Everyone dances, like we are all one,
a united group taking part in a teenage right of passage. Sweating confined by
a wall of bodies I laugh and watch as Augustus attempts dance, I take his hands
and we jump around like everyone else.
“Woo go Olivia” I hear Cassie say,
I see her smiling with her friends and I smile back.
January 2017
I wasn’t a neglected child, despite
the divorce I received unconditional love from both my parents, I wasn’t
bullied, I just chose to be by myself, I didn’t go through any traumatic
events. This was the problem, I had no reason to feel the way I did, and yet I
did. Every time I tried to get help, they would ask the only question I
couldn’t give them an answer to, I researched and found nothing. It was just a
feeling, and even when I ignored it, it was there, pressing me, suffocating me.
I didn’t know what to do, and no one was helping me. I felt completely lost,
abandoned by the ones who were supposed to help me.
November 2017
Later
that night
Back in the car me and Augustus
cruse down the empty highway listening to music,
“You’re a very responsible driver”
I say teasing him, “So not a James Bond”
“I can be very James Bond” he
counters, “You could even go as far as calling me Augustus Bond” he adds.
Slowly I feel the car pick up speed; I lower my window and let my hand surf the
wind as we fly by. Laughing I turn to him and kiss his cheek before turning up
the music and watch the outside blend into one. Taking risks, I guess it’s my
new thing.
We sit on a grass hill; my heels,
defeated, lying next to me, and Augustus, also feeling defeated by his lack of
dance skills, on my other side.
“The stars are like one big tragic
story” I say to him.
“They’re like a Shakespeare play,
beautiful, but still a sad tragedy” he replies gently rubbing his thumb on the
back of my hand through out entangled fingers.
“Sometimes I wish I could fly away,
live among the stars, my life is a tragedy anyways, and I would fit right in” I
joke.
Augustus turns his body to the side
facing me, “Olivia you’re life is not a tragedy” he says looking into my eyes.
Sometimes I feel like he can see
through me, like he is the only one who can.
“What happened to you, how you
felt, it was horrible, but it was no tragedy, you deserve one hundred sonnets
written about you, you deserved to have been listened to. What happened doesn’t
define your whole life, it was a bump in the road, a large one, but you, your
life, its not tragedy Olivia Caine, it’s your story, own it my love” he says
brushing a stray strand of hair behind my ear and wiping a tear from my cheek.
“I love you Olivia” he says kissing
me softly.
April 2017
The nurses’ check on me regularly,
they smile but they don’t talk, I see the sadness they feel for my mother in
their eyes, the pity in their smiles for me. I know they must think I’m a
horrible person for what I tried to do, to myself, to my mother. I see how
terrible it was now, how could I have done this, left my mother alone, she
never would have recovered, my sadness wouldn’t have just gone away, it would
have back lashed, to my loved ones close to me, how could I have been so
selfish.
“Olivia, are you ready?” Dr.
Migauro asks snapping me out of my trance,
“Yes. I think so” I reply nervously
squeezing my hand closed to a fist I look down at my legs as the casts are
taken off. I watch as my bruised trailed legs are exposed. My feet, covered in
snake like angry veins. I know I deserve this, but I have to look away.
February 2022
“Augustus are you ready?” I yell up
the stairs from the kitchen. I fix the small gold heart around my neck as
Augustus bounds down the stairs.
“Of course my dear” he says kissing
my cheek and grabbing the keys from the dish on the counter.
“I can’t believe you got us a
reservation at the same restaurant Jennifer Niven is dining at while she’s in
town for her book reading, what strings did you have to pull to accomplish
this?” I ask smiling as we make our way to downtown San Francisco .
“Only a few, but it was worth it”
he says grasping my hand in his.
We walk into the small family owned
Italian place, vines run from plants hanging on the ceiling, smells of basil
and garlic fill the room, exotic wine bottles line shelves.
“This is gorgeous” I say in awe of
the room.
We take our reserved seats and
order.
“Today marks five weeks on New York ’s Bestsellers
list” Augustus says smiling towards me, “I’m so proud of you Olivia” he takes
my hand and kisses it gently.
My book, I’d been working on it
since the day I met Augustus, and I had finally followed my dream and published
my own book. It wasn’t easy, but it was my dream, and I was so determined, to
see how my life had come from so low, I wanted to see how high it could get. So
I did.
“I still can’t believe it, it
doesn’t feel real yet” I laugh.
“Are you Olivia Caine” I hear a
voice behind me, turning I see a girl, around seventeen,
“Hi, uh, yes I am” I reply to the
girl.
“Oh my gosh, I loved your book, I
couldn’t put it down” she says smiling, I could see the excitement in her eyes
and it almost made me cry, I made someone feel the way I feel about reading, I
inspired this from someone.
She asks for me to sign her book
and I do, so happy that I could make someone else happy, turning around I’m
shocked to see Augustus down on one knee beside me, a small oval ring in a
black box held in one hand.
“Olivia, since the day I met you, I
haven’t stopped thinking about you, you inspire me every day to do and try new
things, I lo-“
“Yes, yes, and yes one thousand
times yes” I say before he can finish.
All around us people clap and
holler I smile and cry all at once watching as Augustus slides the ring around
my finger.
July
2027
“Paisley honey, come here” I call
for my five year old daughter, Augustus stands beside me holding a large box,
whispering sweet ‘shh’s’ to the contents.
“Paisley, we have a present for
you” I say scooping her into my arms, “Do you want to open it?” I ask her.
“Yes please” she says eagerly
smiling, I set her down and Augustus sets the large box in front of her. He
holds me close and Paisley opens the lid, she screams then laughs when a small
yellow Labrador yips to her from inside; she
picks the small puppy up and smiles to us.
“Oh thank you thank you thank you”
she says hugging the small animal, “Can his name be…Buttercup?” she asks kindly
sitting down and setting him in her lap.
“Anything you want sweetheart”
Augustus replies ruffling her hair.
March 2017
I breathe heavily, in and out,
inhale and exhale, my hair whipping in the wind behind me. It’s barely light
out yet, I’ve only seen a few cars drive past, the seagulls fly in circles
above me, looking for scraps of food. I watch the ripples in the water, I think
about becoming part of the water, becoming nothing but a life source. It’s
ironic that I chose the Golden
Gate Bridge
You see, I regret what I did, it
wasn’t my only choice. It wasn’t the only way out. As I fell, wind pushing
against my chest, my breathing restricted I realized this. I could have tried
harder, talked to more people, gotten more help than I did, but I didn’t try
harder, I just made this choice, this regretful choice.
Yet, at the same time, I don’t
regret my choice, when I did try to get help, no one tried to help me, no one
tried harder to understand me, they didn’t understand, so they assumed I was
okay, and I wasn’t. And maybe the blame falls on all of us equally, but I can’t
help but think, if I would have gotten that I wouldn’t have had to make the
choice I did on that day. The regrets, and the not regrets, they flew around in
my head as I fell, as my body hit the water like bricks, as my bones cracked.
They say that in the last seven minutes of brain activity you relive your life,
my last seven minutes showed me what my life would have been, what I would have
had if I would have made a different choice on that day.
But that didn’t happen, and on
March 26th 2017 my body hit the icy water below the Golden Gate
Bridge, and my heart stopped, and it didn’t start again.
This
story is in tribute to Uncle Joe, I love you, and I miss you, if you can see me
now I want you to know this, I’m not angry, I understand, I hope you are in a
better place, love Katlynn.
If you are feeling suicidal, or are
having suicidal thoughts, please don’t hurt yourself, please don’t end your
life, I know it’s extremely hard to talk about, to explain how you feel, but
please think about how you can get better, think about your parents, your
friends, your siblings. There are always people who care and love you, talk to
your parents or friends, or call a suicide hotline, there are so many, they
aren’t there to tell anyone, they’re there to help you, be there for you when
you feel like no one is.
Samaritans operates a 24-hour
hotline, every day of the year, they don’t show up on phone history.
- 116 123
Suicide Prevention Lifeline is also
24-hour hotline, every day of the year
This short story is not here to
become another tragic suicide story; I wrote this with the purpose of bringing
suicide to light. Mental health and suicide are a very taboo subjects, people
don’t like to talk about it because it makes them upset, but it needs to be
talked about more, people need to wake up and realize hundreds of teenagers,
and adults choose to end their lives they feel they are not getting the help
they need, because things aren’t working, and no one is changing that. The pain
doesn’t go away. People need to ask their friends if they’re okay, and spread
love. Phrases like ‘Go kill yourself’ and ‘I’m gonna kill myself’ need to stop
being normal things to say, you have absolutely no idea how anyone around you
is feeling when you say these things, it could have an effect one people who
are struggling with depression, or hurt people who have had suicides in their
family.
Just spread the love and start
talking and thinking.
Thank you
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